So sorry I was away for most of December. We were visiting family and spent a lot of time in the car, which brings me to today’s post.
My partner is an avid environmentalist, so our kids are growing up with an acute awareness of the issues surrounding climate change and stewardship of our environment. We try to communicate these values to our kids in several ways.
We have a lot of conversations about transportation. As I’ve said in earlier posts, we live in a village where we can walk to nearly everything. As we were walking one day alongside the morning rush hour traffic, soon after we moved here, my daughter commented out of the blue about how glad she was that we weren’t in a car at the moment. I nearly wept with happiness. I was so glad right along with her.
Every morning now, she and I walk to her preschool together, usually through a park and by the town library. She’s remarked to me twice now how much she loves “the smell of the morning.” That was not something I fed her; I’ve never said anything like that before. Out of the mouths of babes. How wonderful to be able to take the time to walk instead of drive, and to be able to mindfully experience the smell of the morning.
In the afternoons, her dad collects her from preschool and walks with her home, spending quality time exploring the world around them on the way. He is passionate about science and loves sharing scientific ideas and facts with her. They learn about their environment together and talk about ways they can help care for it and stay in balance with it. For those 15 minutes each afternoon, his time is devoted to her and her alone–a wonderful gift from her father, and one that is returned to him many times over in her company.
We moved here from a city where we had to drive to her school. We were able to walk to the store and the doctor and several other places, but every morning and every afternoon, we were in the car, for about 10 minutes at a time. When we were looking for a new home after my partner was offered a job in a new city, one of our most pressing priorities was that we wanted to be able to walk pretty much everywhere conveniently. How lucky we are to have found a place where that’s possible. I am very mindful each morning of our good fortune to be able to communicate the testimony of stewardship to our children in such a concrete way, each day.
And what a dream for more people to be able to do so while living in affordable, safe neighborhoods. What a goal for our society, as energy resources are quickly being used up and people are feeling less and less connected with the earth that sustains us all, and with each other as well. Bike paths, walking paths, crossing guards, smart urban planning… these are all priorities that would change the lifestyles of people all over our country if they were prioritized and put to good use.
What to do about Christmas? Kids love the excitement, the presents, the candy… we’re still wrestling with this one, but here are a few things that we’ve decided already.
First, our kids get only two presents. One is from mom and dad, and the other is smaller and comes in the stocking, from Santa. And of course, grandparents and other family get them things as well.
Second, the gift from mom and dad is something that we put a lot of thought into. We don’t walk into the toy store determined to get something, anything, just get it over with and get a gift, any gift. We mindfully consider what our children like, are good at, and would cherish.
Also, we always buy gifts for them with a thought about how much it will be used. For example, our daughter is active and rambunctious, but she will sit for long periods of time drawing and coloring at a table we’ve set up for her that we call her “work table.” It has art supplies and enough space for her to work comfortably. So for Christmas this year, she’s getting a Spirograph set, the old kind. I went onto eBay and looked specifically for the old set, because from what I saw of and read about the new sets, they aren’t nearly as nice. We thought for weeks about what to get her. When you’re getting only one present, you can devote more time to choosing it.
We’re kind of stuck with our son, but he’s still very young–just started walking, actually–so his personality and preferences aren’t as clear. But we did pretty well with his birthday. He loves monkeys, so he got a stuffed one from us. He loves it and sleeps with it every night, giving it kisses and making the monkey sound. He also loves contraptions with moving parts and putting objects into other objects, so his sister got him a stacking tower where he puts a ball in the top and it rolls around and around inside, down to the ground. He’ll play with it for ages at a time, as we’d hoped. Both pretty simple toys, and both a big hit.
We also buy second-hand toys as much as possible (e.g., the Spirograph set) and try to avoid junk like the Disney Princess stuff. Our daughter has great fun dressing up in things we bought at a second-hand store and at yard sales.
What ideas do you have for making Christmas a more simple holiday?
Especially at Christmas time, but throughout the year–whenever the opportunity arises–we try to involve the kids in charity events. This could be as small a gesture as putting some money into the Salvation Army bucket in front of the grocery store to buying and wrapping and delivering a toy or hat and mittens for a needy child.
When we take part in these activities, we take the opportunity to talk with our kids about why we’re doing it and why it’s important to think about others and be grateful for everything that our family has–a warm and dry home, toys to play with, food to eat, etc.
It’s not over our four-year-old’s head at all. She understands and volunteers to give away some of her toys sometimes. She is pretty emotionally mature, but she completely sympathizes with a kid who doesn’t have what she has and talks about it often. Small, repeated activities like this keep the topic in the forefront of her mind, I think.
And finally, whenever we bring a new toy into the house, we always try to give away a toy of similar size that they’ve outgrown. This helps keep their rooms (and our entire home) more orderly as well.
It also gets them thinking about what they need and don’t need. We talk about how yes, you might want to keep this toy, but you don’t really play with it, and some other child who doesn’t have much might really enjoy playing with it. She gets it and is always able to choose something nice to give away.
What are your ideas for involving your kids in charitable activities, especially during (but not limited to) the holidays?
Ever since I left home at a fairly young age, I have been seeking a community of like-minded people. It’s a dream of mine to live among friends who think like I do, feel like I do, and make choices similar to mine. I’m still searching for that community, and until I find it, I’m quite happy to make do in the community where I find myself. Every place I’ve lived for the past several years, I’ve tried to integrate myself into the fabric of the place.
I’ve actually found this became much easier to do after I had kids. Having children–much like having a dog!–gives you entree into built-in social groups and networks. Your child attends day care or a preschool? You meet lots of other parents there, some of whom you’ll probably get along with quite well. You’re watching your child at the playground? Scores of other parents are there, many of whom would love a good chat to pass the time. You’re at the library in the children’s room, you’re at the baby supply store, you’re in the diaper aisle at the grocery store… all of these are opportunities to connect with people who have at least one thing in common with you. Plus, there’s a certain immediate but unspoken trust between two parents, unlike any other dynamic I’ve ever seen between strangers.
This is one way that the Quaker testimony of community has woven itself into my life and the life of my family. We try very hard to connect to the people living around us. That means our neighbors, our classmates, and the people who work in and around the places where we live our local lives.
My family is very lucky in that we live in a village, which means that we walk to school, the supermarket, the dentist, the bank, the coffee shop, even the local knitting store and second-hand store. As we walk, we see people we know and people we don’t know. Walking with my kids gives me the opportunity to talk with them about the people in our lives, the people all around us. They see me speaking amiably with strangers, greeting friends, and giving and receiving help as it’s needed. These connections with our community are a part of our everyday lives.
How can you connect more closely with your own community?
It’s easy for me to think of several ways that I integrate the Quaker testimony of peace into our family’s daily life. First and foremost would be our vegetarianism.
My husband and I have been vegetarians for nearly 12 years now. Some people choose vegetarianism for medical reasons, and the health benefits of a meat-free diet are certainly significant. However, our reasons for being vegetarian are more ethically based.
Our motivations are twofold. We feel that:
Quakers may recognize these two points as being closely related to the testimonies of peace (or nonviolence) and stewardship. Every day, three times a day, I am brought into intimate communion with these moving testimonies and am mindful of the connections underlying my various meal choices.
We’ve chosen to raise both our children as vegetarians. People sometimes worry about their getting enough protein. However, most Americans get much, much more protein every single day than their bodies require.
Our family eats beans, tofu, lentils, pulses, whole grains, nuts, seeds, and nut butters, in addition to occasional processed foods like veggie burgers, seitan, tempeh. We also eat some organic (ethically farmed) eggs and dairy. We all intake adequate amounts of protein every day. Our kids are at or above average measurements for both weight and height and are very healthy and active.
Plus, we talk often as a family about vegetarianism, meat-based diets, and why we make the choices we do. These conversations provide an entree for us into child-friendly discussions of the testimonies of peace and stewardship as well.
What do you think about raising children on a vegetarian diet?
A Friend recently posed a question: what are some ways we can incorporate Quakerism into family life?
When I think about it, the question seems at first a bit backwards to me. But this is probably because I came to Quakerism later in my life (in my late 20s), when I had already formed so many of my basic morals and character. So by the time I began attending meetings, my life was already reflecting many of the better-known Quaker testimonies.
For example, I was already a vegetarian, which is my mind now is a daily practice of the Quaker testimonies of peace and nonviolence. I was also already trying very hard to live a life less filled with stuff and clutter and consumerism, an ideal which is reflected in the testimony of simplicity. It was actually such synchronicity between my own life, my own beliefs, my own practices, and Quakerism that led me to explore the Religious Society of Friends in the first place.
However, my Friend wants to know about integrating Quakerism with family life, specifically. What brought me to the Society as a childless 20-something is in essence different, but still closely related to, what leads me today to label myself and my children as “Friends.”
I did become a mother for the first time after finding the Quakers. My evolving spirituality does very much inform my character and behavior as a parent, and it does so in very specific ways. As with most aspects of my life, being a Quaker and attending Meeting are very different experiences now that my children are with me.
With this in mind, I’ll be posting in coming weeks a few thoughts on incorporating Quakerism into family life, based on my own (fairly limited!) experience as a mother and a practicing Friend.
I’ll deal specifically with the six main Quaker testimonies as considered by American Friends. These testimonies are often taught to young friends using the acronym SPICES.
So… how do you incorporate your faith or spirituality into the everyday life of your family?
In meeting this morning, we had a fire at the hearth. I love very few things on this earth more than a fire when the weather is chilly or cold. The hypnotizing sounds, smells, visions, and warmth all transport me to a calm and wonderful place.
My thoughts today have wandered to the many ways that we attempt to integrate the natural world into our homes and interior spaces. Fireplaces allow us to bring into our controlled and structured homes a little raw wildness. Sun rooms allow us to bask in natural warmth, even in the cold winter months. An open window gives us light and fresh air, not to mention a view of the outdoors. Wood or stone flooring allows us to surround ourselves with natural materials. These features in a home are often the most valuable, the most treasured spaces.
I strongly believe that a connection with the natural world nurtures and revives our spirits and that these connections should be fostered as much as possible.
I heard an interview with Mary Matalin years ago, where she was asked about the dire situation in politics. She sort of laughed and replied that unlike women, men have no appreciation of cycles. That thought has stuck with me for years.
I’ve been pondering this idea this morning as it relates to the occupy movement. Some people in my Quaker meeting today have expressed concern or reservations about the movement.
I see a lot of resemblance in the occupy movement to what little I know (since I wasn’t born yet or was just a child) about the various peace and civil rights movements in the 60s and 70s. Those were times of tremendous energy in our country.
I welcome that kind of energy in the form of the occupy movement. At the moment, it’s little more than a blossoming, a small but spreading fire, unorganized, scattered, hungry, and full of life. I’ll be following it closely and am quite interested in where this new movement will take us.
